Although I tried to put on a good show of acting normally, it took me a while to get over that experience. I think I'd actually started to build up a real phobia about being touched while I was small, and this didn't do anything to help matters.
Again, this is something you just can't understand unless you've experienced it for yourself. Assuming you aren't really overweight, try and imagine someone putting their hands on your hips and lifting you up into the air. It's not so bad a thought, right? Now imagine those hands are three times bigger, so the guy can touch his fingertips to his thumb together around your waist! Also, you now weigh only about 5 pounds, so he can pick you up with ease. It's intimidating and frightening, I can tell you!
Worst of all, this was just the tip of the iceberg. In another week, they were going to shrink me down to ten inches tall. At that size I'd be like a Barbie doll. Someone could pick me up and hold me in one hand! The very thought of it sent shivers up my spine.
These thoughts were always in my mind the rest of the day, but I think I covered up my fears pretty well. If I wanted to find out what happened to the missing girls, it was vital I didn't wash out of this training. I kept reminding myself I'd been through so much worse on other undercover operations. Perhaps nothing quite as demeaning, but certainly more dangerous and risky.
Nonetheless, I was going to have to do something about this irrational fear of being picked up. I wasn't sure what yet, but I'd figure something out. Maybe Heather could explain it to me better.
Just before my shift was over, Beth came out to meet me, as I figured she would. "Another great performance," she told me with an approving look. "You did triples all day, and didn't forget a single one. I noticed you followed that one guy after he left, too."
"Yeah, I hope I didn't screw that up," I replied. "I wasn't sure I should chase after him like that."
"The rule is, if you can see him, you should follow him," she told me. "If he leaves the casino, though, that's it. You don't go out any doors, ever."
"I understand," I replied. "I just hate to waste a good drink."
She chuckled, and we headed over to the exit, since my shift had come to an end. "Not a problem. It's part of doing business. Now, another thing. The man who picked you up."
"Yeah, I figured you'd be getting to that. What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing," Beth answered. "Absolutely nothing. If you had, I'd have come right out."
I looked at her, surprised that I wasn't going to get lectured. "I figured I screwed that up big time," I told her. "I put myself in a position where I encouraged him to grab me."
"You'll find," Beth went on, "that you do that all the time around here. No, you did everything right. You did what the gambler asked, and made him happy, while making sure the casino's security concerns were taken care of. The fact that he picked you up was unfortunate, but that wasn't your fault."
"Thanks," I said. I tried not to shudder at the memory, but I must have given my feelings away, because Beth picked up on them immediately.
"Look," she told me seriously, "you aren't the only one who has these fears. I've been training new employees for a year, and I've seen it all. Your fear is completely natural. Don't worry about it. It'll fade."
"But what if it doesn't?" I asked urgently. "I need this job!"
"If it doesn't, we'll have to let you go," she replied evenly. "I don't think it'll come to that, though. You handled yourself well, and got right back to work. If you did anything wrong at all, it was that you seemed to freeze up after he set you down, and didn't respond to him when he thanked you for your help."
"Well, sorry, but I was too busy freaking out," I explained, perhaps a little bit defensively.
"It's totally understandable," Beth told me with a reassuring smile. "That was the first time you've been picked up, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," I answered.
"Listen," she went on, "I don't normally suggest this, because the casino frowns on it, but whenever I see someone in your situation, it seems to work. You need to practice being held."
"What?" I demanded. "You're kidding me! I thought we weren't supposed to do that!"
"We aren't," she went on, her voice assuming an almost motherly tone. "No one is supposed to pick you up, unless you give permission. I'm telling you to find someone you know and trust and give them that permission, because sooner or later, someone will grab you, and you need to be able to handle it. Just like Michelle Vasquez did when those men tried to kidnap her."
I remembered the story she'd told me, where Michelle had escaped by climbing out of the guy's pocket. I'd said I would be catatonic if something like that were to happen to me, and I hadn't been lying. Beth was completely correct, as I'd already admitted to myself. I needed to face up to this fear, sooner or later, or my wits might fail me at a crucial moment.
"All right," I agreed somewhat hesitantly, "I can see your point. I'm willing to at least consider it, but how do I do it without security guys trying to intervene on my behalf?"
"You know where the break rooms are, right?" she asked. "Set up a meeting with someone, and let me know when you're going to do it. I'll arrange to let your friend inside. Once you're in there, the cameras will be off, so you can have some privacy."
"That's good to know," I said.
"Just one thing," Beth went on. "Don't do anything sexual. I'll check on you every few minutes, just to make sure there's no hanky-panky going on. This is for your own safety, not just because we don't trust you. You'd be surprised how many times a good friend you think you can trust decides to take advantage of your small size."
"I understand," I told her. "I'm going to have to think about this for a while. I'll have to work up to it, you know?"
"Sure," she replied. "I understand perfectly. You might need several sessions to get comfortable with it. Even though we plan to send you down to 15 eventually, your first tries should be at 33, until you're used to that. There's a big difference between sitting on someone's lap and sitting in their hand."
"I can imagine," I told her, trying not to think about that too much. "The person who goes in there with me, do they have to be employees of the casino? Or can it be anyone?"
"Anyone you like," Beth answered. "Normally, I suggest a family member, close friend, or husband."
"I don't have anyone like that available," I explained. "I guess you could do it, or maybe Lori or Heather."
She raised an eyebrow at that. "You just met them, didn't you?" she asked. "Are you sure they're trustworthy? As for me, I'm not a good choice, not only because I'm your supervisor, but for personal reasons I'd rather not go into."
"All right," I said, sensing that she didn't want to be questioned any further on that. I wondered what she was hiding, but tabled it for later. "I guess I don't have anyone, then. When I do, I'll let you know."
"What about that cute guy?" Beth asked. "You know. Your ex-boyfriend."
Oh, geez, she was talking about Mark! No way, I thought to myself. No way in hell! "What part of ex don't you understand?" I said a bit harshly. "I don't want HIM in there with me!"
She shrugged. "Well, it may sound like a strange idea, but you'd be surprised. You at least know him better than anyone else in town, and since you've probably seen each other naked, he won't be overwhelmed with a desire to see what's underneath your costume. Besides, you'd be surprised what might happen. He might get back together with you, after you trust him that way."
I shuddered. Of course, Mark wasn't an old boyfriend at all, but she didn't know that. "I-I don't think I want to get back together with him," I stammered weakly, trying to hold onto my cover story while fending off the thought of Mark picking me up.
"Oh well, it's just a thought," Beth told me. "I'm not saying you have to do it, just that it might help you out. Anyway, get yourself upsized and enjoy the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I'm going to make you do some quads. And don't forget to memorize your route!"
I nodded as I got into the restorer. As I quickly grew back to normal size, I told myself there was no chance I would ever let Mark get involved in such a stupid experiment. There was no way that was going to happen.
No chance, no way, not ever!